Figments Gallery

What Do They Mean I Can't Teach My Punmaking Workshop? 

I can't believe it. Figments Art Gallery, Wilmington's premiere studio and my dream gallery, has rejected me once again. First they turned down my hand-sculpted living room furniture made entirely of plasticized fish entrails, and now they're rejecting my workshop proposal? I'm starting to feel like these guys live in their own little elite ivory tower of Art with a capital "A".

Punmaking is an art dag nabbit, and I'm going to prove it to them. You can't simply dismiss an entire subculture of artists who make their livings creating, disseminating, and promoting the finest puns in the world. There are literally dozens of us! I refuse to have our voices trampled by some gallery just because they have "taste" and "standards".

What do you mean, "make a pun right now"? I don't have to do that. Please, you're a managerial assistant for a living right? I don't ask you to assist managers when you're off the clock, do I? It's bad form to simply solicit puns from a Punmaker, it's like asking a mathematician to create a new mathematical theorem on the spot. Our work takes practice, expertise, and serious effort.

Luckily, Figments Gallery has a sweet online art workshop registration form, where I can submit as many workshops as I'd like. If my punmaking career isn't going to work out, perhaps I'll have more luck with my How To Make Nickelodeon Gak: A 12 Part Exploration Into The Goopy Recesses Of My Soul series I've been sculpting for the last 20 years.

I mean, who could consider this anything other than a masterpiece?

Regardless of what happens, I'll keep Figments in my heart and dreams. Every time I visit Landfall to buy more art supplies, I'll stop to stare longingly through their windows and dream that 1. My restraining order to stay away from Figments Gallery is lifted and 2. I get to showcase my talents in their beautiful, beautiful space. One day...